Up Pompeyus! Part One., a short story by T.N.Roman. Times viewed: 251
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- Intro: In Hyperus-Bowlus, Booty-ball is the game on everyone's lips and The Bumper Pay-Day League is the premier national competition. Up Pompeyus! follows the trials and tribulations of a beleaguered manager as he strives to save his traumatised club from the very real threat of relegation. (Football Parody)
Up Pompeyus! Part One.
Football parody / fiction. Please leave feedback (even if it's bad. I can't improve without you :))
The following story is a piece of complete fiction. Any resemblance to people (dead or living), organisations or places is completely coincidental and un-intended.
Introduction.
Hyperus-Bowlus is a country that exists on a planet somewhere in a solar-system many light-years away from our own. It is a place where religions have been replaced by the peoples idolisation of the pampered stars that compete in a high-octane sport named Booty-ball. The Bumper Pay-Day League - where paupers, commoners and underprivileged up-starts are not at all welcome, is the premier national competition of Booty-ball and the setting of our story.
Now, for the sake of those who don‘t already know, Booty-ball is a game that is quite familiar to us earthlings. It is similar to the game we call football (or soccer, if you belong to the hair-brained section that think football is a game played with your hands?!?). The main difference being that it is played in old gladiatorial arenas and a ‘professional foul' is the term used to describe the meddlesome behaviour of a player who is employed purely to break an attacking players leg when one-on-one with the custodian of a goalmouthius. It is a very bullish game in which armour is a must and it should definitely be bypassed by the light-hearted or squeamish amongst us. Each game is played out (in most cases) over the course of two forty-five minute periods. I say ‘mostly' due to the excessive extra playing time (when losing) and early whistles (if winning) often allowed in matches involving the current champions - the Devilish Bend-O-Rules. No one is quite sure why this happens (or, more to the point, why it is allowed) but there have been suggestions in the past that Old Man Whiskey Nose (the current incumbent of the managerial chair at the Devilish Bend-O-Rules) is in fact an overlord of the game with much more power in hand than the mere management of his own club. It was alleged that they once kidnapped a player and signed him to their team without the consent of his previous employers and, remarkably, got away without so much as a slapped wrist. But this is purely here-say and in no way the opinion of me - the Unnamed Narrator.
The Bumper Pay-Day League is home to many colourful and wacky characters and, listed below in no particular order, is but a few of the more noteworthy celebrities within the game...#1 - Old Man Whiskey Nose.
The aforementioned manger of the Devilish Bend-O-Rules, the greatest team in The Bumper Pay-Day League. A wily old fox, if ever there was one.#2 - Maximus Roonus.
A real bull-dog of a player who reminded the elder generations of the good old days - when players were famed for their efforts and skills on the pitch, not the good looks and rock-star lifestyles that was becoming ever more a perquisite of the modern game. He now plies his trade for The Devilish Bend-O-Rules, spear-heading the team's drive for world domination, whilst also finding time to promote the game within the niche market of female pensioners - a strange market for him to show off his superior ball skills, but a market all the same.#3 - Divius Tho Much Skillius.
Divius heralds from the country known as the Pauperous Sister of Spangleland. Despite an annoying habit of feigning foul play, Divius is, without doubt, the greatest player of the modern era. It would be easy to mistake this player for a mage, such is the brilliance of his almost magical feet. Some whisper in darkened corners that, if it weren't for his trickery, Old Man Whiskey Nose could have found his contract on the brink of termination. It was true, after all, that Divius's immergence as the sport's best player came at a time when the Devilish Bend-O-Rules couldn't find a winning result for love nor money - even if they played for an extra two and half days (which on three occasions they actually did!) With him in the team, they quickly returned to winning and dominant ways as no opponent could deal with his mesmerising feet.#4 - Terrius Misdemeanourous.
The captain of the Chelskians, the Devilish Bend-O-Rules closest rival for the title. Terrius is a quality player and leader of men - though his greatest asset was the mere skill of loafing the ball as far up the pitch as humanly possible. Famed for his missed ‘Kick from the Spotius' in the final battle of the European Nations (against, you guessed it, the Devilish Bend-O-Rules.) He never truly recovered from this heartache and immersed himself in gadgets, flash cars (and a strange insistence on parking them in disabled spaces), and women that one could summarise were not wholly his own to play with. Despite this, he remained a formidable barrier to any attack minded opponent and one such attacker once described his bruising encounter as ‘being stuck between a rock and a hard place'.#5 - The Teacher from Francois.
Revered as the natural nemesis of Old Man Whiskey Nose until he forgot about the need to win competitions and concentrated all of his efforts into producing the youngest ever team in the history of Booty-ball. It is rumoured that he plans to field a team comprising only kindergarten children in the upcoming season and, as I write, he is petitioning to change the name of his club from the ‘Gooners' to the ‘Youth Hostel for Foreign Folk'. He is a great philosopher and staunch promoter of ‘le beau jeu', yet his rise to greatness was still considered quite amazing given the fact that he suffers from a strange sight disorder that enables him to see misdemeanours against his team from over a hundred paces away but, astonishingly, he is unable to see any illegal play performed by his own players when only a yard in front of his very eyes.#6 - The Soothsayers.
Stellingnus, Mercius, Thompsius, Le Tissius and Nickilius form the fellowship that is known famously as ‘The Soothsayers'. They are the wise old men of Booty-ball's past (who often hark back to the times when the sport was still a sport and not an evil money making machine, and the players were men's men and not pampered pompousities.) Their opinions and predictions are sought by many within the sport and spectators look to them for guidance - especially prior to placing a wager. But the road to their knowledge is not easy as they reside in a spiritual steam-room accessible only through the gate at the summit of the mountain known as Skyrius Pay-Per-Viewus. After such a long trek and the recurring toll-bridge fee one incurs, you would think they might finally get around to fixing that blasted transmission signal - there's nothing worse than staring into murky waters when you've paid for the full ‘Whirlpool of Predictions' package.****
Now, all of these men have great tales to tell and great stories are often told about them (mostly over a tankard or two of fine ale and a friendly bar-brawl down at your local tavern) but our story is more concerned with the escapades of one club in particular - Pompeyus Booty-ball Club, a smaller than normal top-flight outfit, and the trials and tribulations suffered by them throughout the coming season.
To be continued...
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